I don't want to.

I just read this blog post. It's about the joy of sponsoring a child, and how you become invested in not only their life, but in their community as well.

Dave and I sponsor two children- Marilyn Isabel from El Salvador and Gulf from Thailand. They will both turn 17 this year. Marilyn has been part of my life since she was 11 and was 19. I remember just deciding that enough was enough and sponsoring a child was 100% where my heart was. I wanted to sponsor a girl from South America. Those were my only two conditions. I remember nervously calling World Vision, telling the lady what I was looking for, and how happy she was to tell me all about child sponsorship and what I could expect. I was thrilled. A short while later I received my first photo, and my first tidbit of information. Honestly, I just remember feeling proud that I was part of her life, and grateful that I could be a part of her life.

Fast forward a few years and her photo is still on my fridge or sitting in a frame in my room. A Christian group of mostly college/ uni kids decided we wanted to reach out and sponsor a child. We would take donations every month. Our child would be set up under my account should anything happen to the group. I called, and Gulf was ours.

A little while later, the group did, in fact, change into a slightly larger, different group and Gulf was now solely my and my new husband's responsibility.

I don't regret our decision. I don't harbor ill-will towards my friends. I love supporting communities overseas and the fact that it has absolutely, without a doubt broadened our view of the world.

But sometimes it's hard.

Minus the few months since we graduated, Dave and I have spent our entire married life as students. That means small incomes and lots of bills. We don't really have lots of leftover money. More than once my charitable givings on my tax statement has been larger than my income.

Often, we have people ask us why we'd continue to sponsor two children. Why even sponsor one?

Frequently, people ask us when we're going to stop sponsoring our children overseas as we'll be travelling, living in a different country, and barely have any money (because that last one hasn't been a problem before).

My answer?

I don't want to.

Not a calm, 'thank you for your opinion' answer, a whiny, arms-crossed 'I don't wanna.'

And I really don't know why. Maybe I have trouble letting go of things. Maybe to me, they are my kids. And maybe God's just letting me hold onto them a little longer. Maybe my obnoxious 'I don't want to' is actually a plea. A we will make this work. A this is the right thing.

We'll make it work. I don't know what God has in store for us in the next few months. I absolutely have no idea. But somehow, it'll all work out.